Is Being Alone...your greatest FEAR?

This question creeps me...especially at night...when you are alone in the dark; the answer to which I need to find out very soon... need to figure things out...

How alone are you?Being divorced/single does it count?What about parents? family near and far? Are they counted as well? Can't really say...I think the problem is being the only child...or is it? Most people I know do not even have any connection with their siblings later on when their parents die to hold onto each other...what's the point? As though we don't have enough stress to deal with....here comes "Sibling related Stress"...What would people do (the single child in the family who is alone) when their parents die???


I mean look at my Chhotka...he's already 39 and has lost his father. With dida going insane at this age...he's practically alone...I mean does he have his family to count on? Like me, Papa, Ma and others...Are we even in the picture,literally? Its just a phone call now that connects us....but that too is a detached one......we have most ridiculous conversations...still...we have each other to talk to at least....or I think so.Is this why people try get others married...just for companionship? to have somebody to call your own? a family? Is that the only fucking reason to be married? I heard somebody telling  "Marriage is like an insurance policy...you pay the premium at young age...you reap the benefits when you are old"...Is that what he was talking about..benefit of not being lonely...


My father is also a classic example , but of a different kind...he lost his mother hen he was six...and did everything all alone...my Dadu wasn't really a good father I think...being distraught and all....with 3 boys (of which one was mentally challenged). Poor guy! He didn't have a clue as to what to do...he left his boys on their own..pretty much at the mercy of his mother and his mother-in-law....So when he died...Papa was left with only one person he could call his own....his youngest brother (the middle one had died by then...i have never really known about him...nobody even mentions about him to me)....of course he had his uncles/aunts/cousins...Then they got him married...so Maa came into the picture...Kaku was still family then....And when he got married..everything changed....there was my Papa without any parents and brother....except he had 2 additional persons to call his own....his wife and me (his daughter)...he has successfully created a family of his own....

It was weird rather creepy...when Ravi got the call yesterday...we're just leaving from work..when our manager Satya called and aske dus to come to the nearest hospital rightaway..he had an accident...it was raining heavily and his kinetic honda skidded probably...We rushed to the scene...his ankle was badly injured and he is gone for 30 days....We called his family...his wife and 2 kids came soon...along with their mama....And like most; she was a dumbo as well...so information whatsoever about insurance/e card/cashless facility etc....whom to call what to do...we were there...so we got her covered for that night I guess...


It got me thinking...what if something happens to me...and I am hospitalized (one of my nightmares)...I don't even have anybody to call....I have to admit to a group of strange people in white coats...that I don't have anybody to call...may be office colleagues for an hour or two...I will just give them my insurance e card and call our vantage guy at the max....Is that what Maa means when she says...there should be somebody to take care of you? Again another very unsubstantial reason to get married I think...I mean...what if that somebody doesn't care or bother? I have seen that kind already...

And then when you least expect it....you come to know that your childhood buddy's father died...and they don't let you know being in the same city...yes, Bua is sorry for that probably...I have never seen him crying earlier..He told me today when I called him in the evening....He's never felt so alone in his life...his cousins came, his friends came,his uncles came...BUT..still...its only him and kakima from now on....He is as you have already guessed the only son who is single...Now his marriage is postponed to end of next year...probably...That was kaku's last wish/thought...to get his son married...

Another one is Babypishi...no wonder why people were hyped to get her married as soon as sona dadu & dida died back in 2009.She has a job and she is above 50 I think...She manages somehow all alone...

And just imagine all those spouses who are left behind in loneliness...because their lifelong partners have died...Has the life insurance concept paid them off? I wonder...
Also those who are alone as they are divorced/separated....bojjudidi, bukundada and the likes...


The point is you are always alone...from the moment you are born till the moment you die...family comes and goes...they are not for keeps though...You just need to not get used to someone or a group of persons...You stay alone and you feel alone....that's the way it is....No attachment no pain...Just be social and friendly....Keep the rest of yourself locked and away from everybody....At least that way you don't expect anything from them...Family is just a bullshit concept.No one is ever really there for you...Life just goes on until 20122012...

Just Like That...

Dear Diary,

Its a salutation that I have not used for a very very long time.Should change it to "Dear Blogger" or something like that. In this age of technology, pens,papers, pencils, markers....nothing leaves an indelible impression other than words typed and posted---either in blogs or in walls..even emails are getting little slower probably. I am (rather was) until some time back a very old fashioned person resorting to age old habit of writing in your own handwriting with a pen/pencil on a paper, preferably a notebook/journal. You can still do that I guess in your tablets with stylus...but still somehow the essence is lost. especially when you write a letter , your thoughts pour out straight from your heart onto the paper via the pen with your tears, perspiration, smell, lipstick kiss mark etc...There is so much of you in that piece of paper apart from the content...its just unimaginable as how techy people these days manage to personalize! I think they are more into customizing...well it is a silly developer joke!!Never mind....

So as I was saying earlier how old fashioned I was until recently...but then I thought I always loved sharing my thoughts with my journal;and would pen down whenever I had time...Now with time crunch and some other things (will list out later) I have learnt that blogging is the way to go...not just a habit or making anything public...but just having the pleasure to write something ...Well I did have a hard time some time back where I tried to burn my journal and stuff..this is a lot easier to maintain...ya need to keep the password safe from "Hackers". Hackers are all around...mostly they are known people...I mean they know a lot about you and just try their luck into hacking your personal space...let alone...emails accounts, bank accounts, credit card ,phones,call logs,sms-es,facebook, personal laptop...god knows what! We should have a password to our heart's deepest secrets chamber, darkest fears cabinet, hurt locker, emotions vault...for every other compartments that we have in our heart...........I remember GAP came out with a design for a pair of jeans with a password for the zipper...and the Microsoft ad for windows security where a password is needed to unhook a bra.......INGENIOUS!

Actually it is we who need to decide whom to give access to what. Kind a like access groups, privileges, access deny rules in PEGA. The best part is "Access Deny" gets precedence over any other such rules...Ha ha ha...We have all kinds of softwares to enhance security and to blow it...but we don't have anything for our own selves...PITY...That's why I never wanted to be a computer engineer in the first place...and how I got here...Well..that's another story...

Anyways was watching my favorite movie "QSQT" today on Set Max and I just loved it all over again...The actors were so young, so naive and so innocent...they were truly 16-17 year old kids...The dialogues, the expressions...its just awesome...and also hard to find. Young love is blissful until you are old enough to realize that it is bullshit.That's where REAL LIFE comes in I suppose.And you just have to suck it up...

I started writing this blog back in 2009...when there were a lot of things going on at once in my life...(don't even wanna go there)...its sad that I never wrote a line in 2010 though I found a lot of drafts saved...all in hindi...I do need to start writing in Hindi again...Its just that it takes a lot of time and thinking on my part...can only do them over weekends...Blogger...I love you a lot...its just 15 mins of typing and a night full of good sleep........also catering to my sleep is recently acquired "Sex and the City" all seasons all episodes...just love watching them....I remember I used to watch Friends sometime back...and it really sucked! Also now among my prized possession is the entire collection of "Everybody Loves Raymond"...All I need are "Grounded For Life" and "Charmed" to make my collection complete.........

3M to 30

Its just 3 months to my turning 30. Finally I can talk the language of Sex and the City...condemning every silly action of a "twenty something" girl.And also of your old enough BoyFriend when they fall for such girls! Ya right..they are not even "Women"! Womanhood as I see it...does not come with age...well may be a little bit...but actually through the experiences of life that comes with the age as well ;apart from the circumstances that you go through in due course.

As I dangle in this critical time frame....I look back only to find that I was naive and my actions were mostly silly. Well I thought my decisions or choices were correct at those times...so no worries...There has been quite a few changes in me over the last few years...May be I have grown wiser (or not)...may be I have learnt from my mistakes (again may be not...we'll see if I don't repeat them ...obviously).

I had this huge misconception about me being a tom boy...Trust me...I am so not...I am a woman in true sense of terms...I like what every woman likes...I hate what every woman hates...I am so amazed at my self revelation...can't really describe the feeling...

There is an ad about The Complete Man...from Raymond...I wonder will they ever dare a "Complete Woman"? probably not...A woman in general opinion is not probably complete without a family of her own...essentially a spouse and children...I remember Susmita Sen being asked the question "what is the essence of a woman?" in her final round of Miss Universe Contest back in 1994. I don't recall her answer now though it must have been a great one or else she would not have won the title. I might google it to find out...but I think I have now come to understand...the real essence and the substance of a woman lies in the way she feels..strong/weak ; courageous/frightened; extrovert/introvert; shy/bold...in every aspect of life. Some can make it to the brighter side some cannot. Its not about comparing with Men at all...here in comes the insights from "Men are from Mars,Women are from Venus"...

Its the thought process that counts and makes all the difference...As you grow old (and trust me twenty something girls think and say out loud..."OMG! you are 30 ...you dont look so old!" or "30s are so mummy types"-well its not completely their fault as they have seen young mothers of that age) you realize a lot of things that you weren't consciously aware of in your twenties.One great point is that you might have all the energy to do what you want but you don't have MONEY in your twenties. Now you might be a little shy on energy part...but...YOU FINALLY HAVE MONEY. And it makes sense if you are still single!!! and bear no responsibilities...you can do anything you want (or wanted earlier).

I am so looking forward to my thirties. The last decade has been the worst time of my life till date...I will make it all happen in my thirties...Life here I come...and "twenty something girls " BEWARE!

30 ROCKS!!!

टूटे बिखरे सीपी ...

कभी गौर से देखा है समुन्दर किनारे इन टूटे बिखरे सीपियों को ... गौर से न सही पर नज़र तो पड़ी होगी ! समुद्र तट पर एकाकी विचरण हो या भीड़ में चहलकदमी ...ये हमेशा बिखरे रहते हैं....कुछ पूरे कुछ टूटे हुए...कुछ रंगीन कुछ सादे ...ऐसे ही चलो तो हमारे जूतों के नीचे टूट जाते है पर नंगे पैर चलो तो कील जैसे चुभते हैं जिसका दर्द असहनीय हो जाता है । मेरी नज़र में ये प्रतीक हैं मेरे हर वोह ख्वाब का जो मैंने कभी देखे थे। उनमे से अधिकतर टूट के बिखर गए कुछ इन्ही सीपियों की तरह...उनमे भी रंग थे ; गहराई थी; पर सपने तो आख़िर सपने ही हैं...वास्तविकता से मीलों दूर। यह विशाल सागर मानव के उस अपरिमित कल्पना शक्ति का प्रतीक है जिससे वोह सृजन शीलता प्राप्त करता है ....और ईश्वर सम बन जाता है। उसी तुलना में उसके ख्वाब सीपी जैसे खुद्र प्रतीत होते है। समुन्दर की लहरें वास्तविकता और समय के प्रकोप का प्रतीक है जिससे टकराकर ख्वाब चूर चूर हो जाते है। शायद इसलिए मैंने ख्वाब देखना छोड़ दिया है।

इन सीपियों में शायद कभी अनमोल मोटी भी हुआ करती थी ; पर अब कहाँ?

यह रिश्ता क्या कहलाता है? अलौकिक अनुबंध...

मुझे तुम्हारे साथ एकाकीपन की चाह है --- अपनी निजी अवधि की खोंज में हूँ मैं ,
तुमसे जुड़े ख्वाबोँ के रंग अभी कच्चे सही, उस अधूरी सतरंगी छवि पर न्यौछावर हूँ मैं ,
तुम्हारे प्यार में अपने नयेपन की चाह है !
रौशनी में , वीराने में --- मुझे तुम्हारे साथ एकाकीपन की चाह है।


यह काया जैसे है कोई झरोखा , उसपर है सारा आकाश --- सपनों की यात्रा और उनका आकार परिवर्तन ,
उसी में आंधी का एक दौर , बारिश में डूब जाना --- सपनों का अंत एवम हीम शीतल अनुभूति ,
तुम्हारे प्रेम के उष्ण आवेश से कृत कृत हूँ मैं , मुझे अपने स्व में भिन्नता की चाह है!
मुझे तुम्हारे स्पर्श सहित एकाकीपन की चाह है, मुझे तुम्हारे साथ एकाकीपन की चाह है।


काले घने मेघ में छिप गया है चाँद , हवा के झोंके से बिखर गई है चांदनी --- जीवन के उतार चढ़ाव जैसे छाया-प्रकाश की लूकाछिपी ,
फिर कहीं से धुप का आना , और हमें अपने सुन्हरें आवरण से आच्छादित कर देना,
उसी माया के आकर्षण से , उसी स्पर्श के एहसास से
मुझे तुममे अपने भिन्नता की चाह है!
मुझे तुम्हारे स्पर्श सहित एकाकीपन की चाह है, मुझे तुम्हारे साथ एकाकीपन की चाह है।

देखा जो नज़र उठाके....

देखा जब भी नज़र उठाके , खाली जगह ही मिली हमें
फिर कभी नज़र उठाया ही नही , खालीपन के डर से
शायद तुम बैठे थे किसी सूनसान कोने में , जहाँ मेरी नज़र पहूच ही न सकी
कभी सोचा है की शायद तुम थे बेखबर मुझसे , क्या इतने बुरे थे हम ?

जमाने की बातों में तो तुम भी उलझे थे कभी , तो आज मुझपे क्यूँ है यह बंदिश,
ज़िन्दगी में कुछ भी नही है आसान ,इतनी ख़बर हो गई है हमे,
ख़ुद से जो अगर तुम पूछो , हम तुम्हारे कभी थे ही नही!

तेरी आंखों का जादू कब से है मुझपर ,पुरी दुनिया की किसे पड़ी है
पर तेरी आंखों ने सिर्फ़ दुनिया की भीड़ को निहारा है , मेरी नज़रो को नही
इस भीड़ में सबसे पीछे हम थे खड़े, जाने की आस में...

महफिले आई और गई, सब को शम्मा मिली , पर हमे तन्हाई,
लोग भी आए और गए, और हम दोनों भीड़ में खो गए,
पर तुम तो आज आए हो, दिल में हो कब से बसे
न मैंने कभी यह जाना , न तुमने कभी जताया

मुस्कुराके न सही पर बात तो छेरी होती, टालने की शामत ही फिर कहाँ आती,
अब के जो मिलेंगे नही कहेंगे कितने बुरे हो तुम!

तेरी आंखों का जादू कब से है मुझपर ,पुरी दुनिया की किसे पड़ी है
पर तेरी आंखों ने सिर्फ़ दुनिया की भीड़ को निहारा है , मेरी नज़रो को नही
इस भीड़ में सबसे पीछे हम थे खड़े, जाने की आस में...

लम्हें...

"लम्हों की गुजारिश थी यह..." या फिर "येँ लम्हें ,येँ बातें..."! इस कदर लम्हों में उलझ के रह जायेंगे यह सोचा न था...

शाब्दिक रूप से लम्हा (या बहुवचन->लम्हें) समय का एक कतरा है...एक पलछिन...जो एक बंधे बंधाये संज्ञा में कैद कर दिया गया है...काल के अतल गहराइयों से यह गोल्चक्र की तरह उभरता गया है...जिस प्रकार बूँद बूँद से सागर बनती है उसी प्रकार कतरा कतरा लम्हों को एकत्रित किया जाए तो समय की सीमा रहित विशालता प्रकट होती है...इस पूरे पृथ्वी पे हर रूप से वोही होता है जो लम्हें गुजारिश करते हैं...पर हमारी इच्छायों का क्या?जीवन के हर मोड़ पे असफलता की चोट खाते हुए हम आगे बड़ते जाते है...यह सोचते हुए की कभी न कभी हम सफलता की शिखर पर विद्यमान होंगे ...लेकिन....आखिर वोही होता है जो मंजूरे खुदा होता है...कोई इसे खुदा कहे या किस्मत...मैं इसे लम्हा मानती हूँ....इन लाखों पलों की ज़िन्दगी में हर एक पल नियति के हाथों नियंत्रित होता है...कुछ पल खुशी या फिर कुछ पल गम...यह लम्हों का कारवां संतुलित रूप से ही संचालित होते है...यह तो हमारी गलती है की हमसे गम के पल काटे नही कट-ते परन्तु खुशी के लम्हें यु आतें हैं और यूँ चले जाते है...कभी हमारी अभिलाषाएं इस सुख दुःख के पलों से अनुक्रमित हो जाते हैं तो कभी कोई भी तारतम्य नही रहता है...समय और जीवन लूकाछिपी खेलते रहते हैं और हम हमेशा लम्हों को पकड़ने में भागते रहते हैं...लम्हों को मुट्ठी में बंध करना जैसे पारे की बूंदों को समाये रखना...फिर रेत को मुश्तिबद्ध करना हो...जितनी भी कोशिश क्यूँ न की जाए...वे बंधन मुक्त हो ही जाते हैं...कब किस लम्हे में हम कमजोर पड़ जाए या कब किस पल क्या हो जाए ...इसी पहेली को सुलझाने का ही नाम ज़िन्दगी है!कुछ लम्हों को भूल जाना ही बेहतर है..और कुछ पलों को संजोना ज़रूरी है...यह बहुत ही कठिन गणित की समस्या है...और जो इसे सुलझाना जान ले...उसे ज़िन्दगी की क्या ज़रूरत.!!!..जीवन के अन्तर-निहित रहस्य को भेद करने का एक ही सरल उपाय है-->

"जो भी लिखा है;दिल से जिया है

यह लम्हा फिल हाल जी लेने दे...."

बातें...

कभी कभी तो लगता है की बातों की लड़ी अपने आप में एक विस्मय है.....कभी मुँह से बाहर आती है...कभी आंखों से झांकती है...तो कभी मन से मन को बाँधती है....आख़िर यह रहस्य है क्या?बातें...क्या यह शब्दों की एक सुसज्जित लड़ी है?या फिर अपने आप को ज़ाहिर करने का एक तरीका?अपनी भावनायों को दूसरो तक पहुचाने का एक मध्यम...कहते है...कि प्राचीन मनुष्य ने सय्यमित रूप से कुछ आवाजों को "बातों" का नाम दिया है....जैसे जैसे सभ्यता की उन्न्नती हुई...आवाज़ शब्द में और शब्द भाषा में परिणत हो गई...पर बातों का क्या?इतिहास गवाह है,ज्यादातर मुद्दों पे बातें तो बहुत हुई पर असली मसला शब्दों के दल दल में गुम हो गई.....तो क्या हम बातें करना छोड़ दे?बातों का सिलसिला तो जारी रहेगा...चाहे वह जुबां से बयाँ हो न हो...मन की बातें,तन की बातें,आंखों की बातें;हर बात में कुछ तो बात है...यह गुत्थी तो उलझती जा रही है....उसे सुलझाने के लिए भी बातों की ज़रूरत है...इसी उलझन में असली बात तो कहना भूल ही गई...कमान से निकली हुई तीर और मुह से निकले हुए शब्द(बातें) कभी वापस नही आते....पुराणी कहावत है....मानो न मानो पर यह लाख टकें की "बात" है!!!

Ehsaas!

कुछ एहसास जो तुमने अब छोड़े, है ख़ास,
कुछ एहसास जो तुमने तब छोड़े, थे ख़ास;
कुछ तुममे थी खामियां, कुछ मुझमे थी कमजोरियां,
वक्त कभी रुका नही,पीछे मुड़के हमने कभी देखा नही,
चलती का नाम है ज़िन्दगी,
थमना किस्मत में लिखा ही नही;
एहसास गुज़रे हुए कल का,एहसास बीते हुए पल का,
मुट्ठी में बाँध कर लेना चाहती हूँ
पर ये हैं की पारे की तरह फिसलते जा रहे हैं,
रेत होते तो शायद कैद रह जाते;
एहसास हर वो हूक का जो दिलो में उठे;
एहसास हर वो पलक का जो नज़रों से टूटे;
एहसास हर वो लव्ज़ का जो होठों से छूटे;
एहसास हर वो आंसू के; एहसास हर वो मुस्कराहट की;
एहसास बनकर रह गए हैं दिल की हर चाहत,मन की हर राहत;
बहुत से लम्हें गुज़रे प्यार में, तकरार में
एहसास बनकर रह गए है वो हर एहसास आंखों आखों में!